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  • When The Bell Rings

Are you in a toxic relationship with yourself?

All too often, we entangle ourselves in relationships that are toxic. Whether it be a friendship, lover, co-worker or that cute person you see at the coffee shop everyday. Relationships with others are vital to our well being; they are the very premise of our existence. Duh. What most of us struggle with, is our relationship with ourselves. Are we good enough? smart enough? successful enough? tough enough? thin enough? curvy enough? pretty enough? and the daunting list continues. We have all learned how powerful our thoughts truly are, yet within this same spectrum, we destroy our totem pole of self love. Everyday we look in the mirror and pick apart all the things we dislike or even hate about ourselves. All the while, hoping to garner success in all our ventures in life. If the law of attraction tells us we can have anything we manifest, then why the fuck are we always taking an axe to our totem pole of self love; while inadvertently chipping away at the very foundation that is designed to keep us happy and whole. Self sabotage is a thing, always has been, always will be. How do we deviate away from sabotaging our livelihood is the question.


When I was younger, I struggled hard with the notion of self love. It was always something that felt out of reach. I was adopted at the age of 3 and brought to Canada to start a new life with my biological brother. As time progressed and we both got a little older, adjusting to our new surroundings proved to be difficult for me. Although things seemed promising from an outsider's perspective; I was completely riddled with issues of abandonment, low self worth and I had a hard time fitting in due to my issues with self image. My brother who was over a year younger than me seemed to grasp this new life and fit in like a missing puzzle piece. I was envious of his ability to adapt so seamlessly.


At the age of 13 I developed an eating disorder with Bulimia and Anorexia. Convinced I was never thin enough or pretty enough. Convinced that if I was in fact prettier or thinner, I'd have friends, or a life outside the confines of my mental structures. If only I knew then what I know now, will always be the prevailing thought. I would spend sleepless nights obsessing about my weight, incessantly comparing myself to every girl I encountered. Always convinced they were better in every way. As time progressed, I eventually got tired of my unhealthy relationship with food. I had spent a lot of time reading and attempting to self rehabilitate myself into a healthier mind frame. Which worked for a little bit.


Once I phased out of the body dysmorphia that had long ruled my days, I latched onto a new form of mental release. Drugs. At first, it was harmless, recreational fun that took place on weekends. I was 16 at this point, had just gotten my own apartment in the city and I had a new boyfriend, I had made some new friends and we all shared some things in common; Tough pasts and the desire to numb the pain. For years I ran with the wrong crowds, and did so many hard drugs that I was starting to lose touch of myself again. I was wallowing in self pity and hatred and I spent my days angry at myself and the world.


I was 18, sitting on a bed in a motel room completely sketched out from lack of sleep and a multitude of narcotics soaring through my system. A few of my girlfriends close in proximity and my boyfriend chopping up lines mixed with ketamine, coke and E. I looked myself in the mirror, face drawn in and colourless, eyes unrecognizable. I wanted to cry. Cry because this isn't the life I wanted for myself. Cry because I knew i'd be dead if I kept up this lifestyle. In that exact moment of self realization, I sat down, picked up the rolled $5 bill and snorted the long line mixed with K,E and Coke. The next thing I remember, is waking up naked in the hospital, with electrodes all over my body and an IV attached. Scared and in a panic, I cried out again. My boyfriend took me home and I sat in my bed and cried for what felt like days. I cried until I could physically cry no more. Was this how I wanted my story to end? a troubled youth turns to drugs and alcohol and gets completely washed out? Life can be downright ugly sometimes, and you will go through experiences that make you feel like giving up. Don't give up, don't give in. amidst the ugly trials of life, there is beauty so incredible, it's hard to believe in its existence; but it does exist.


At this point, I had spent years fighting myself. Fighting to be happy, to be accepted, to be loved and to be normal. Whatever normal is to you. Normal to me meant everything I wasn't and wanted to be. I spent years blaming myself for everything I felt was wrong. Constantly self sabotaging and single handedly making matters worse. I had zero concept of how much power I truly had over myself and the decisions I made would either move me into a state of progression or drag me back to places I never wanted to revisit. Life is a game, and once I realized I held more power than I had known; things started to change for the better.


The mind is powerful beyond our measure. When we welcome negative thoughts and allow them to consume us, we have now chosen and accepted a path of pessimism. Which is utterly insane considering we want the very opposite! we want a path of success and happiness, yet our actions and vibrations are not aligned with how we are thinking. I understand that when we are young, there are only so many things that we can control. Once we hit a certain age where our future is dictated based on our actions and not the actions of others, that is when the game really changes.


I was a victim of a toxic relationship. The individual to blame was me. I victimized myself through negative mindsets, lifestyle choices and the inability to identify toxic behavior. Whether I was allowing toxic relationships to knock at my doorstep, or whether I was the hand bearing the toxicity, My life wasn't my choice at first. but once I grew older and held the capacity to think for myself, I unlocked so many barriers.


I won't sit here and tell you life is perfect. I still struggle in many ways. The only difference now is that I Know the power I hold.


If you liked my message, or can relate in some way, please stick around as I have a lot to say and hope to help someone else while I help myself. If there is any part of the story or stories I post and you want a more in-depth frame on the experience, please let me know. I will be happy to oblige.


-When The Bell Rings



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